Hi Reader,

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Welcome to this week's Rev Up. You know the drill by now: A thought to help power your week ahead, written always by me (never by the robot version of me) and always in the last week.

Since releasing 'KIND' at the end of last year, I've had lots of conversations about the quiet power of kindness at work. It's worth noting that most of these conversations don't require any persuasion, either: the vast majority of people out there in the world are kind, reasonable and want to do the right thing. We don't hear that enough, and especially right now.

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But a question that comes up sometimes is "are they limits to kindness?". I certainly think genuine kindness needs to come with clearly communicated boundaries - being too reasonable and accommodating, to the detriment of yourself or others is probably a sign you've drifted too far into niceness or people-pleasing rather than being genuinely kind.

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There are lots of questions here that come up when I give talks about it:

• how can we be kind to someone we really hate?
• should we be kind to a fascist or someone advocating intolerance or unkindness ?
• Can a toxic and unkind boss change?
• How do we respond if we regularly choose kindness and it's regularly not reciprocated?

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The answers aren't easy. My usual answer, before drilling deeper, is "it depends".

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I think often when we are in these sorts of situations, it's a sign that good boundaries don't exist - either for ourselves or for them. If we have let unkind or toxic people in, we have probably not respected our own boundaries or put ourselves first. If someone is choosing to take advantage of our kindness, then there's only one way that goes unless the boundaries are made clearer.

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But also, we shouldn't be too quick to write people off. Some people turn to intolerance or toxic behaviour because they've been misled or hurt in the past. You know the old saying "hurting people, hurt people".

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There's plenty we can do to offer a better, kinder way. Believing in people is especially valuable when no one has believed in them before. But here too, boundaries matter. Giving people the benefit of the doubt once or twice, maybe even three times, is a kind thing to do. But then continuing to allow negative attitudes or behaviours to affect others beyond that (assuming we've been clear on what's expected) isn't really kind to anyone.

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I've had a few conversations with people recently who've been trying to get on with a bad boss, or trying to reconcile being on the receiving end of bad treatment from someone.

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Every situation is different, but there IS always a line. Sometime, or somewhere, there's a need to communicate it.

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Kindness requires clarity from you, and feedback from them. To keep giving without either just ends up in niceness, naivity and worse.

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So this week, a question.

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Is there any situation or relationship where resentment has built up? Can you name it or own it with them, in service of moving things forward?

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And if not, how else can you reinforce your own boundaries? Does that mean you need to move on to move forward?

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Have a great week,

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Graham

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PS - thanks to those of you who joined my 6 Weeks to Ninja taster session on Thursday! It's shaping up to be a really good group. If you fancy joining us, and want me to help you give your productivity systems a spring clean, then you can find out more here. We start on weds 26th Feb. February is the new January! See you there.

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